We're on Facebook

Tags:

Come and check out our Facebook page!  Our freshest jokes and memes daily!

https://www.facebook.com/thegongjokes/

They'll find us

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

Driving is Hard

I find it very difficult to drive with a boner.

Using my hands and feet is way easier!

Barber

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Thule layover

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, 'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'

On the plane

A muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.  The stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink.

"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips" the muslim idignantly replied.

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice!"

You cheating whore!

Tags:

When I go into a bar, I shout out loud, "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!"

Whoever turns around, is who I'm buying drinks for...

Shoot the bull

An Indian warrior walks into Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure chief coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me training for upper management position:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Stuck pig

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem.  I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of the truck.  He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun.  Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you’ll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road.”

The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.

“Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!

Walk on water!

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. '

Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya fuckin' dipshit!

Subscribe to Front page feed