I'm not the pheasant plucker

Recite this at your office party after a few pops, we plucking dare you!

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Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man,
I try to understand him and I help him all I can,
But sometimes of an evening I feel a trifle dim,
All alone and plucking pheasants when I'd rather pluck with him.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Cause the pheasant plucker's late.

I'm not good at plucking pheasants, pheasant plucking I get stuck,
Though some peasants find it pleasant I'd much rather pluck a duck,
Oh, but plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease
But plucking pheasants is sheer torture, for they haven't any grease.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
He has gone out on the tiles,
He only plucked one pheasant
And I'm sitting here with piles.

You have to pluck them fresh, if they're fresh it's not unpleasant,
I knew a man in Dunstable, could pluck a frozen pheasant.
They say the village constable has pheasant plucking sessions
With the vicar of a Sunday 'tween the first and second lessons.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Till the pheasant pluckers come.

My good friend Godfrey's most adept, he's really got the knack,
He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack.
I try and lend a helping hand, I gather up the feathers,
It's really all this pheasant plucking keeps us here together.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's friend,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
As a means unto an end.

Me husband's in the woods all day, a-banging with his gun,
If he could hear me heartfelt cries, then surely he would run,
For I've fluff in all me crannies and there's feathers up me nose,
And I'm itchin' in the kitchen' from me head down to me toes.

I'm not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's wife,
And when we pluck together
It's a pheasant plucking life!

White christmas morning

So my girlfriend wanted a white Christmas…

But when I came on her face that morning, she didn’t even thank me.

Between

Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…

Can I visit between the holidays?

Jingle bells

Is your name Jingle Bells?

Cause you look ready to go all the way.

Waiting for Santa to come

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Christmas morning disappointment

Tags:

Q: What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

A: When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Christmas morning disappointment

Tags:

Q: What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

A: When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Santa's STDs

Q: How does Santa stay STD free?

A: He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

Dyslexic satanist

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Snowman divorce

Q: Why did the Snowman want a divorce?

A: Because his wife was a total flake.

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