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Driving is Hard

I find it very difficult to drive with a boner.

Using my hands and feet is way easier!

Barber

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Thule layover

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, 'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'

On the plane

A muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.  The stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink.

"I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips" the muslim idignantly replied.

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice!"

You cheating whore!

Tags:

When I go into a bar, I shout out loud, "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!"

Whoever turns around, is who I'm buying drinks for...

Shoot the bull

An Indian warrior walks into Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure chief coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me training for upper management position:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Stuck pig

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem.  I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of the truck.  He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun.  Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you’ll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road.”

The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.

“Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!

Walk on water!

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. '

Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya fuckin' dipshit!

Her Majesty's Corgi

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie"
As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked.
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like..?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that dog"

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